Did you notice anything new about my blog? It’s brighter and I’ve changed the direction I want to go! And I’m so glad I have you all along for the ride!!
I’ve been talking about narc abuse for quite a while now and feel like I’ve said what I’ve needed and wanted to say, and was getting to the point of being stressed and upset by writing all I have. I think that’s good though…because I was able to get a lot of things OUT and reconcile a lot of things in my life. It’s been very cathartic.
So many times, I portrayed myself as a victim. And, since I try hard to be honest, I have to accept responsibility for much of what’s happened to me. I wasn’t perfect in my marriages…I made a lot mistakes…some small and some big. Some very shameful and many I wish I could ‘undo’. I wasn’t a perfect wife or mom…in fact, at times, I was pretty shitty.
Isn’t that hard to admit? This is going to sound very 1950’s, but I LOVE being a wife and I LOVE LOVE LOVE being a mom. My happiest days in my life were when my son was a little guy and hadn’t started school yet. Everyday, we’d do something fun and spend all of our time together. He was the most adorable, smart, sweet, funny kid ever, and if I could go back and do it again, I would in a heartbeat. I love the comic below…and I always tell my son that I just want to ‘unzip’ him for a day! His response? A perfect eye roll!
But, I did a lot of wrong things with my son too. I yelled, I said rotten stuff…and the worst? I feel like I destroyed his family when I left his father. There were so many factors in that decision, and I’m not all to blame. But I take a lot of it. And I need too. And I regret with all my heart that my son became a product of divorce. For that, I’ll never forgive myself.
And my husbands? I was a good wife. Good. Not perfect…just good. I tried and they tried, but it just wasn’t enough. I made horrible mistakes and understand my role in my marriages’ demise. I’ve apologized to all my husbands for this. In fact, I called hubby 1 a few days ago, and we talked. He was so gracious and we had a great conversation after having been divorced for 23 years. I said I was sorry and he did the same…and that felt really good. Hubby 3 and I talk everyday, and we both fight over who is to blame the most for our impending divorce. But we also laugh about it. We get along even better now, and despite everything that occurred in our marriage, we are family forever. Every Father’s Day, I send my son’s dad a text thanking him for the best gift in the world. He doesn’t respond, but it makes me feel good to do that anyway. Because it’s true. Without him, I wouldn’t have my precious son. And he’s a winner.
I know I wasn’t the easiest kid and teen to parent. I’m hypersensitive and I know I made my parents walk on eggs so much. I get upset easily (shocker, huh?) and did some pretty crappy things as a kid. As I’ve gone back to read previous posts, it sounds like I blame my parents for the things in my life that have gone wrong. I apologize to them for that. They did the very best they could…which is what all of us do. I am the one who makes the choices for my own behavior…and the consequences are mine as well. Mine alone.
The situation with Sarge is a bit different. As in all relationships, I made mistakes with him as well. But, I also know I didn’t deserve ANY of his abuse or infidelity. NO one does. Period. And he has apologized for it all. I think it’s sincere. I hope that it is. But even though we are trying to figure out what we might be to one another, I know he has deep seated problems and needs help. He has realized that as well and is getting it. And for that, I’m glad.
So…there it is.
And now, here I go! I’m so much more (as all of you are) than a victim of abuse. I’m a great crafter thanks to my mom and sister. Mom taught my sis and I how to sew and we all make awesome quilts. You are going to be bombarded with pics!! My sister spent, literally, hours teaching me to crochet. Her patience was more than I would have had. But, as she does in all things she starts, she succeeded and you’ll see the results of that as well! I also LOVE to loom bead (just gave a bracelet to a friend today), and do zentangle drawings too. So relaxing!!
I’m also “Professor K” and there is nothing I would rather do on this earth than be the teacher I am! I thank God everyday for my position and know how lucky I am to be able to go to work, have a great time, and get paid for it. Wow!! Over the years, I’ve had thousands of students. And each of them were special to me. Truly. I’ve learned from them as much as they’ve learned from me, and some of them will be my family forever! How lucky is that?
I love to run, hike, walk my dogs, ride motorcycles and bikes, read anything and everything I can get my hands on (Wally Lamb…John Irving…Anne Tyler…Jodi Piccoult…) and every book is a treasure! My parents encouraged reading and my sis and I would go to the bookmobile every Saturday to get new selections! At times, we could barely carry them home!
I’m 50 years old…and I want to make this new start in my life a great one. I’m ready to move forward and embrace living alone and learning about me! My sis and I were talking the other day, and she said how we both have the tendency to give, give, give. And she said we should allow ourselves to take as well! Not selfishly…but in a healthy way. Sometimes it needs to be about others…but sometimes, it needs to be all about you!! That’s an OK thing to do!! And you know what?? I’m ready for that!!
Come on my journey with me…grow with me…strengthen with me…laugh with me…cry with me…learn with me. You all have been AWESOME in my on-going recovery, and now I want you along for some good times too! Will you come along for the ride?
Hey Ho!! Let’s Go!!
Professor K 🙂